Like this:

Kinda freaking out today and I can’t talk to either of the two people that I want to, it’s frustrating. I hate waking up feeling this anxious and not knowing if I am making the right decisions. It’s not that I don’t want to be here and want to return to the States. I like being away, I think it is good for me. And I am not stupid, I knew that this would be hard. That I would miss my friends and family and that learning the language would be difficult.

But I kinda feel today like I am going to break apart. I don’t know if coming here was the best decision. I really wanted to make sure when I made the decision to be here it wouldn’t be just because of Marcelo. But I think he is one of the only reasons, definitely the main, that I like being here in any way. I mean, I like learning a new language too and learning different cultural things as well. But there are a lot things I don’t like here and I don’t know if it is because it is just different or that I just need more time to get accustom to things or that I just don’t like SP.

Aaaaahh, I don’t even know if this is coming out right at all, my thoughts are way faster then my fingers. I just hate this feeling of consistently having to figure things out. I need to find where I can buy eyeliner and not spend a fortune. I need to figure out my bank accounts because so how they are all messed up. Spend 6 hours watching classes today (kinda boring, but okay). Work on Portuguese, gain courage in speaking to everyone.

When I look back at my list of things I have to figure out, it doesn’t seem like that much. It is bigger then I have written but maybe I still I am being a baby. I guess one thing that is bugging me is that here to make enough money, I have to work crazy hours and the money isn’t even that great (and I thinking Brazilian standards). And it’s not that I am lazy, I have worked 60 hours a week before, it’s just that I was making money to show for it and the other stuff in my life was going okay. I mean, here, I have to work crazy to make enough money and still have the energy to make new friends, run errands, learn Portuguese. I also am working and still not getting health insurance. I kinda thought that if I went into something else besides servering that hours would be better and I could kinda be a grown-up and actually be able to go to the doctor.

Okay, just trying to breathe. Thursday night Marcelo and I are headed up to Ouro Preto. 4 days together. I am excited. Excited to see a beautiful city with lots of history. And I am going to keep working on things, not going to give up at this job. Continue to try and gain courage with speaking Portuguese and not getting frustrated with it. I will continue to try and find some friends and not have my whole world revolve around Marcelo. Just keep breathing….

PS Here is some more photos. Marcelo and I at Ibirapuera Park:

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